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January 23 A girl wants a lot of sex tooSCENE 1: "If I don't get some soon, my finger will fall off!" screeched my girlfriend, let's call her M, on an ISD-call. I quickly checked if I was on speaker, was relieved I wasn't. "So why don't you do something about it?” I suggested lamely. I knew her problem, she was too picky. If M's current three-year-old dilemma is to sleep or not to sleep sans amour, another pal N has another problem. Four years back, N was in an almost-steady-relationship (usually happens at school or college level and doesn't develop into Happily Ever After...HEA henceforth). Flashback: Back to present: TWo different scenarios and there are many more. For the (apparently) sexually liberated, financially independent, with-her-own-mind woman of the 21st century, some things don't change. I have heard stories of how someone's great grandmother was constantly kept pregnant, whether she wanted to or not. Of how the wife of a couple I once knew was in severe depression when she was pregnant... because the husband would either stay out ('coz he couldnt do it) or 'request' for an oral release. Today, one of the women I know is seeking counselling alongwith her husband (she's lucky) because their sexual frequencies don't match. He does not want it except for on weekends (she calls it the 'customaru f**k). While she has a healthy, natural appetite and is frustrated most times. I could give more examples. But to cut a long story short, women in India need to speak up. If you want to have sex - ASK for it (married or otherwise). If you dont like what's happening -- SPEAK UP. If 3 am is not your time - say NO. If you like lots of sex - firstly STOP feeling guilty and then ENSURE you get it. If you dont think you have ever had an orgasm - TELL your partner! But ALL is not the man's fault. Guys might think of sex all the time, but they are humans too. After an 18-hour shift only the Inredible Hulk will be Don Juan in bed. If his boss is after his case, he definitely wont be turned on by sexy lingerie. BUt women being women, will first think the worst and then think logic (harsh, but the truth!) Instead of wondering why you are not having sex; or having too much of it; or having it in ways you dont like -- stop assuming and speak up. PS: And if the guy calls you a nymphomaniac for asking for it - dump him and then forward him the earlier post on why relationships collapse. January 12 Sure signs your marriage is in troubleDoes this sound like you two?
Why do relationships - be it a marriage, a two week affair or an association of years - break up? It would be so easy to say it must be the man's fault and indulge in some good-for-ego male bashing. However, both men and women have dumped, walked out and given up on their relationships. Not because the guy was a wife/partner beater or because the woman was a haridan.
It's the small things. However, before the small things become big issues and your relationship blows in your face -- here are the signs you (both he and she) need to watch out for. See them, recognise them and get out of the situation before you are at the receiving end.
Believe me, it's far better to be the dumper than the dumpee — 10 signs that say your relationship is OVER (tried, tested, been there, done them!):
1. He: Comes back home at 3 am every night (morning?) and says it's because his computer crashed. Every time.
She: Refuses a ride back with you because she doesn't know how late she'd be. Of course, 'some colleague' will drop her back. 2. He: Doesn't tell you where his money is going; but there's never anything left. Worse still is when you don't even know his salary break up!
She: Discusses her taxation troubles with that guy at work/ friend's brother/ someone else instead of you... and you happen to be a CA. 3. He: Talks most about a woman and strangely, she is ALWAYS a 'bloody bitch'.
She: Talks about a man and strangely, he is ALWAYS either gay or has a girlfriend. If he has a fiance, you have two days to move out. 4. He: Wants to avoid a party till the time you are going. Once you decline, he suddenly remembers an old obligation and has to go. Without you.
She: Decks up for this "really boring but imperative" office do. Of course the backless is because she has to be a professional even when she doesn't like it. 5. He: Refuses to take you for official functions due to 'new management rules'. The new female colleague in office however, has to accompany him everywhere. Even movie shows.
She: Debuts on stage or wins an award and you read about it in the papers. It's worse if she forgot to invite you or forgot you in her 'thanks to these people' list. 6. He: Tells you to take notes after his mother has rearranged your drawing room, bedroom and underwear basket as well.
She: Tells you to take notes from the 'Kamasutra For Beginners' that she gifts you on your birthday. 7. He: Thinks that whatever you do for him is because he 'allows' it or because it's his will.
She: Refuses to do anything for you because she says she's developing a Superwoman complex. 8. He: Eyes women passing-by, looks at you and says, "So what if you have a jelly belly? I like my li'l piglet!". And says it in public.
She: Is anti-men waxing and yet looks at you and says, "So what if you are very hairy? I have a thing for furry creatures." 9. He: Insists you get inspired by porn while doing it, then stops midway to discuss how his 'favourite' Rebecca Lord should have been an A-grade Hollywood actress. She: Starts laughing while looking at the porn and thinks you look like Ron Jeremy. From the waist up. 10. He: Suggests you go to a shrink when you say points 1-9 are the reasons the two of you aren't working out. If he calls them 'trivial', you should've dumped him long back.
She: Looks relieved and smiles when you say points 1-9 are reasons the two of you aren't working out and then says, "Finally! It took you nine points to realise?!" Post Script: If you are reading this, you two sure need to have The Talk. If you got this as a forward from a pal and you are a woman, your friends are right. If you are a male and you got this as a forward - she is telling you something buddy! January 11 A debauche, divorced woman"Has he been married before?" asked my mother over the phone.
"No Ma, he is..." "Does he have kids?" "Kids?! I just told you he has never been married...!" "So what? Why is he interested in you?" "Because I happen to be..." "But will he accept you?" continued my mother relentlessly, having mastered the art of interrupting me mid-sentence and mid-thought since the time I have been 13.
"Accept me? Ma, we are just scoping things out. And accept me? I don't understand..." "At least learn to be practical now. If he has never been married before, does not have kids and is a single, eligible man according to you - why will he accept you? After all, you are just a separated woman now." 'Just a separated woman'. And I thought that virginity was the only criteria a woman had to worry about. Apparently not, according to my mother (and where there's one mother, there're more!) Now it seems, that given my non-virgin and 'just a separated woman' status, my market value in the marriage bazaar has gone down. Damn. But on second thoughts, why?
If Aamir Khan can get a (presumably) non-virgin, but never-married-before Kiran Rao, why can't I get a mate — single, unmarried and preferably a non-virgin? Further according to my mother (shrug, mom is always right), the only man "kind enough" to marry me will be one who has been married before (or has kids, whichever comes first).
That apart, seems like even dating rules change once you are single again. Suddenly you are seen as a woman who's looking for stability. Who isn't? But if you are separated/divorced/single again, you are ONLY looking to get married again. You are also supposed to settle for whatever or whoever comes your way.
You are also supposed to put longer hours at work because you don't have a "husband to go back to". Or are supposed to have more money to spend because, "it's just you, right?" Or not flirt, date or meet different men because "separated women are easily labelled debauch, so be careful."
And what about separated/divorced/single again women getting on with life and finding some happiness?
My mother ponders the question while I listen to the static over STD and finally sighs.
"You have a point there," she says, "Everyone deserves happiness with a partner by their side..."
I was already delirious, my mother was agreeing to something I believed in!
"Oh Ma, there is hope! All is not lost, I will get back, I will be happy, I..." "But who will accept you?" January 10 No lovin, just live inAll bills shared, a common friend circle, extra effort to keep each other's interests in mind, a mutual and conscious decision to make each moment enjoyable and sex on demand. Make that good sex on demand.
Sounds like a perfect relationship? It is. Almost.
They say marriages are made in Heaven,
And you're lucky IF you find The One.
We say get smart and live as one,
It's called live-in, and it's simply fun!
Or at least that was the scenario some time back. Living-in was for people who did not believe in marriage, or who wanted to try things out before taking the final plunge or those who wanted to live together till the time they married. Basically, it was about two people in love, wanting to be together, with or without the desire to get hitched.
And then something happened.
Marriages that were fragile from the beginning, could not stand the strain of corporate pressures, increased deadlines, bloated expectations and no time to meet those expectations. Six months, two months, a year, three weeks... the 'I do' began taking much less time to change into an 'I won't'. All you got was unhappy people.
And then someone, somewhere decided that to live with the person you love, you really don't have to marry them.
So couples in love started living together. They were together, and yet unlike marriage, which by its very nature adds a sense of "you can't escape the situation" kind of inevitability to it, living-in seemed cool. All was fine with living-in till one four-letter word blew the lid of that utopian existance. Live-in started with Love and that's what the trouble was.
If you weren't falling out of love after seeing the 'real' person you stay with, there was one partner suddenly wanting to get married, or wanting babies or suddenly thinking biological clock. Generally, love spoilt it for living-in because even without the marriage, love demanded some sort of a permanency. Even with living-in suddenly, all you got was unhappy people.
The solution? Living-in without the love.
Living-in together to share costs of survival. Knowing that you are not in love, but understanding and appreciating the differences and the similarities. Making conscious decisions to discuss what works and what doesn't. More than anything else, not talking love, commitment or anything else and simply being together till the going is good...
But while there is lust, sex, fun and everything else... will this mean happy people? Or are we still waiting for that elusive Love (who we can marry or be with happily ever after?) and simply playing pretend games till then? |
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